Brainsss

I think I was a junior high school student when I received this attachment in my email, and this file attachment was actually a program that would test which side of your brain was the dominant one and what kind of learner you are (auditory vs. visual).

The first time I took the test, I scored a perfect 50-50 on the brain dominance and a 50-60% rating for visual learner.

The second time I took the test, my brain dominance was somewhere in the 50-55% side of the creativity half (I don’t remember which it is), and visual learning was in the same range as before.

The third time I took the test–I think it was a year later–, the brain dominance was in the same range but skewed to the other side this time, and visual learning was still in the same 50-60% range.

I’ve taken the test a few more times after that, and I’ve also taken other tests online, and they all show pretty much the same result: middle-brain visual learner.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m a “middle-brainer” and a visual learner. This was brought up when a friend pointed out that I instantly shifted to the pragmatic side of our “hedgehog appreciation” conversation, and I mentioned that I was a middle-brainer and therefore my brain always argues with itself.

When I first got the middle brain result, I was overjoyed. It meant that I wasn’t part of the norm (the norm being categorized as one or the other). I liked not being “categorizable” even though now, in hindsight, I could probably be neatly boxed into a stereotype. Or not.

See? There I go again. Contradicting myself.

Now, the middle brain result is also a curse. Back then, I loved being a middle-brainer because it meant I could tap into both sets of skills–the rational and the creative ones, but now it also meant that when it came to making decisions (or even just comments), the two sides of my brain would CONSTANTLY and UNFAILINGLY battle it out. That’s why I hate having to make decisions; it takes me FOREVER to do so. I constantly second-guess or doubt myself, and sometimes it gets so bad that I ask people to decide for me.

Since I’ve been aware of this state of my brain for a while, I’ve learned to cope. Decision-making is still hard, but ten years of working has taught me a few tricks. If x happens, then go with ___. If y happens, go the other way. x + y  means I can do this, but x – y means I have to wait. Something like that. It’s all pretty mathematical in my head, if you ask me.

I’ve gone through mental arguments with myself on what to teach, how to teach, whether joining this organization or that will be good for me, dropping out of grad school, going on dates, (non?)flirting with strangers, being a good (bad?) girl, going to mass, and so on and so forth. (Books, though, remain a weakness. I will buy books whenever I have enough cash to not spare.)

The one realization I’ve had from all this is that I don’t trust myself sometimes.

Actually, I don’t think I do. At all. Ever.

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