Doing this in bullet points.
There is a recent increase of the following in my life:
- happy and disturbing thoughts. basically just a lot of thoughts.
- new friends (thanks to the IYC)
- food intake
- followers to this blog
- positive attention to my curly hair
- material blessings (thank you, Lord :D)
To think my Chinese horoscope said I’d have a horrible year.
(okay wait the Chinese New Year hasn’t started yet. uh oh)
This makes for an appropriate gratitude list, my first one for the year. I realize I need to do this more often because grumpy old me is beginning to show, and I don’t want it back.
In the coming days there’ll be opportunities for me as well to do things I haven’t done before nor thought I’d be doing, and I find myself initially excited. Then when the high wears off, I find myself becoming worried again.
My first question is this: How do you get rid of the worries?
My first thought is this: You don’t. You learn how to deal, and from this you get stronger and more confident.
I watched this video of Morgana Bailey giving a TED talk about hiding yourself, and I thought it was about introversion. I learned it was about her fear of being seen as a lesbian instead of as herself, and how this fear has prevented her from making a positive difference in society. This got me thinking about the many times I chose NOT to do something because I was either nervous or afraid and this cost me a lot of potentially huge rewards.
To be honest the fear is still there. The fear of failure, I mean. In senior high school, we were given the option to defend our thesis in front of our class and instantly get a high mark or not defend at all (thesis grade remains). I played the numbers game back then and told myself I didn’t need to because my grade for my paper was high enough. In hindsight, I could have killed that defense had I taken that opportunity.
I could have advanced my standing at work had I pushed through with graduate studies instead of letting my residency lapse. My fear? Not being able to juggle work, studies, time, sleep, money, life and come out alive and kicking.
And now, a different fear is setting in. As determined as I am to not let it take over my life, I find it difficult not to entertain negative thoughts.
Ay me, said she.
Perhaps I just need to eat more food.