Tanggi at Tanggap

This blog post was written in Tagalog/Filipino. An English translation is provided at the bottom.

ADE fail

Oh well. Challenge accepted. 😀

TANGGI

Tinanggihan ang aking aplikasyon para sa pagsali sa eksklusibong grupo ng mga gurong gumagamit ng teknolohiyang Apple. Sa madaling salita, hindi ako nakapasok sa ADE (Apple Distinguished Educators).

Isang malaking karangalan at responsibilidad ang matawag na ADE, at pinangarap kong mapasama sa piling mga taong may ganoong titulo. Naisip ko na hindi maganda ang aplikasyon ko subalit umasa pa rin ako na makakapasok dahil ayon sa konteksto ng aking paaralan, malabo talaga na marami ang aking magawa gamit ang teknolohiya.

Una sa lahat, wala kaming koneksyon sa internet noong unang taon ng operasyon. Noong pangalawang taon, isang silid-aralan lang ay may koneksyon. Nitong nakaraang taon, kahit na may internet na kami, nag-aagawan naman kaming mga guro sa paggamit ng mga Macbook o iPad.

Naisip ko na dahil hinihingi naman nila ang aking kuwento, mabuti nang sabihin ko ang totoo na hirap ako sa paggamit ng teknolohiya pero naipakita ko naman na handa akong magtrabaho at maghanap ng oportunidad na gamitin ito.

Nalungkot ako ngayong umaga nang matanggap ko ang sulat na hindi ako nakapasa. Naiyak pa ako. Sinabihan ko agad ang aming punong-guro (ano ba Tagalog ng principal?) at tunay na napakabait niya dahil hindi naman siya nagalit. Naramdaman kong nalungkot siya (ano Tagalog ng disappointed?) kaya mas lalo akong nalungkot dahil hindi maganda ang balitang iniulat ko sa kanya.

TANGGAP

Mahirap tanggapin na may pagkukulang ka kahit na alam mo namang hindi ka naman perpektong tao. Sinisikap mong galingan pero sa bawat pagkabigo damang-dama mo ang iyong pagkukulang. Madaling magpakitang-tao–ang sabihin sa mundo gamit ang text at social media na tanggap mo ang pagtanggi sa iyo dahil may iba pa namang proyekto, pero sa kaibuturan ng iyong damdamin ay ang sakit ng pagkabigo. Sa totoo lang kahit ako ay nabababawan sa sarili dahil parang pinalaki ko ang isang maliit na bagay, pero kahit anong gawin ko ay hindi ko maalis ang sama ng loob ko. Wala naman akong sinisisi. Hindi naman ako galit sa kahit sinong tao. Sadyang hindi lang ako masaya ngayon.

Tanggap ko naman ang pagkatanggi sa akin. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit. Masakit lang ang paalala na hindi ako mas magaling sa iba o kahit man lang kasinggaling ng ibang tao… na hindi sapat ang ginawa ko.

Eh ano ngayon ang dapat gawin?

Edi kumain nang maraming masarap na pagkain para mawala ang lungkot. Ika nga sa Inggles: eat your feelings.

Pagkatapos ay itigil na ang pagmumukmok dahil wala namang nangyayari sa mga taong ‘yon lang ang ginawa sa buhay. Move on move on din ‘teh. Kailangan para sumaya.

——————–

English translation:

REJECT

My application to join an exclusive group of teachers who use Apple technology was rejected. In other words, I didn’t get accepted to ADE (Apple Distinguished Educators).

It is a huge honor and responsibility to be called an ADE, and I dreamed that I would be one of those select people with that title. I had thought that my application was not that good but still I hoped that I’d get in beause based on the context of my school, there really wasn’t a lot of opportunities to use technology.

In the first place, we didn’t have an internet connection in our first year of operations. In the second year, only one classroom had internet. This past school year, even though we already had internet, we teachers would “fight” over who’d get to use the Macbooks or iPads for our classes.

I had thought that since they were asking for my story, it would be good to tell the truth that I had great difficulty in using technology, but I showed that I was ready to work hard and look for opportunities to use tech.

I was saddened this morning when I received the email saying that I did not pass. I even cried. I immediately told our principal, and she really is amazing because she did not get mad at me. I did feel that she was a bit disappointed, which is why I got sadder knowing that I was not able to give her good news.

ACCEPT

It is difficult to accept that you lack something even though you are well aware that are not perfect. You try to do your best, but with every failure you feel that lack. It is easy to put on a brave face–to tell the world using texts and social media that you accept the rejection because there are other projects, but deep down you feel the pain of that rejection. The truth is, even I myself find this reaction shallow because it feels like I made a big deal out of something small, but no matter what I do I can’t erase this upset feeling. I mean, I don’t blame anybody. I’m not mad at anybody. I just am not happy right now.

I accept my failure. I understand why I was not accepted into the program. It just hurts–this reminder that I am not better than others or even as good as others… that what I did was not enough.

So what should I do now?

Well, I shall eat a lot of oh-so-scrumptious food to get rid of this sadness. As they say in English: eat your feelings.

After that I shall stop this moping because nothing good ever comes to those who just mope around forever. I have to move on. I need to in order to be happy.

——–

//edit.
I found pistachio ice cream. Life is good. 🙂

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